Good communication the best gift on Valentine's Day
By Dianne Meyer-Sasada Special to The Acorn

Do you have dreams of the perfect Valentine's Day?

First he comes home with a dozen long-stem red roses, a box of chocolates and a bottle of Champagne. He grabs you around the waist and gives you a passionate kiss. You set off for the most romantic restaurant in town. He listens intently to you all evening. Then, through the flickering candlelight, he gives you a diamond bracelet. Ah, my perfect valentine!

Now for your partner. He envisions what he thinks is the perfect Valentine's Day. He comes home with a six-pack, the "Die Hard" trilogy, a box of Sweet Tarts and a pizza. Sounds perfect to him- a nice relaxing evening at home with a good movie.

These are generalizations, but each partner envisions what he or she thinks is a wonderful romantic evening. Problems arise when you expect your partner to know what your hopes and expectations are. We believe that our partners should know what we want- after all, we've been together 10, 20 or 50 years. When your partner falls short of making your unspoken wishes come true, you feel disappointed and frustrated.

Here's how you can get closer to your perfect Valentine's Day. It starts with good communication.

First, you need to be specific about what you want. Also, your language needs to be positive. Don't nag, complain or criticize. Don't use attacking language: "You never take me anywhere." "Why don't you ever take the initiative to make plans?" "What is wrong with you?" Your partner will become upset. Chances are he or she will become defensive and use a few choice statements against you. The result is that everyone's mad and nobody gets dinner.

Instead, use "I" statements. Tell your partner how much you would love to go to that new restaurant for Valentine's Day. You could say, "I would love to go to that new romantic restaurant and then stroll on the beach after dinner." Then add how it would make you feel. "It would really make me happy if we had a romantic dinner at the new restaurant. I feel close to you when we talk over dinner." You are more likely to get what you want if he or she actually knows what it is.

Partners, you should repeat back what your significant other has said. Talk about how it sounds very exciting and how he or she has put a lot of thought into the plans. Make sure you've understood what your partner would like.

Next is the art of negotiation and compromise. Maybe someone's idea of the perfect Valentine's Day is being whisked off to Paris for the weekend. Sounds good, but not practical. You may need to compromise. Maybe a romantic French dinner will do until you can afford a trip to Paris. Maybe your partner can cook, and the two of you can watch a romantic French movie.

Don't try to talk your partner out of his or her dreams. Don't say things like, "That's ridiculous; why can't you be like other women and be happy with a box of chocolates?" This will lead to defensiveness, and communication will end. Remember, you are negotiating and compromising, getting both of your needs met.

The last part is recognizing the positives. Even if the evening wasn't just how you imagined it, notice the positives. Recognize the effort that your partner put forth.

Some people think that telling your partner what you want will take all the romance and surprise out of Valentine's Day, and they may have a point. But if you have been frustrated and disappointed year after year, it may be time to take responsibility and let your partner know what you want and need.

Remember the keys to communication: Be specific, use encouraging language (don't nag or complain), use "I" statements, express your feelings, listen, negotiate, compromise and notice the positives.

Dianne MeyerSasada is a marriage and family therapist in Moorpark. She can be reached at (805) 341-3234.