Club helps children cope with grief

IN HAPPY DAYS- This 2002 photograph shows Shannon Brigham of Camarillo, middle, sitting with her daughter, Shania Brenner, and her mother, Margie Attlesey. When Attlesey became ill with cancer and died last year, Brigham encouraged Shania, now 10, to attend Camarillo Hospice's Good Grief Club to help her express her emotions and better cope with the death of her grandmother.

With the death of two close relatives, young Shania Brenner experienced another part of life- grief.

Eight years old at the time, Shania saw her grandmother die from cancer and, six months later, her great uncle rapidly deteriorated and died from ALS (known as Lou Gehrig's disease).

Shannon Brigham, Shania's mother, said after the deaths Shania became clingy and worried. Brigham turned to Camarillo Hospice's Good Grief Club to help her daughter sort through her emotions.

The eightweek therapy session- available for various age groups ranging from 6 to 12- use art, play and music to help children express and deal with grief.

"It is giving you a different outlook," Brigham said. "Shania taught everybody how to deal with (death)."

Shania, who attended the club in the spring, said she learned how to express all of her feelings, even the negative ones. Surrounded each week by children who also lost someone close, Shania said she gradually felt comfortable talking about her loss.

Hearing her peers speak about their loved ones made her feel she wasn't alone and that her feelings were normal, she said.

"It was kind of sad; it was kind of weird, too," said Shania, now a fifthgrader at Tierra Linda Elementary. "Whenever I have to talk about my grandmother . . . I would get teary-eyed."

Shania said the club's activities helped her express emotion. Sometimes, to express anger, the children pounded on a wad of clay or broke apart ice in a bag.

At other times, they would sit in a circle and toss a ball to one another; the person holding the ball would talk about their feelings.

Shania said they made a memory box filled it with mementos and shared memories of her grandmother with the group. Her box was filled with chocolates- her grandmother's favorite candy.

"I feel actually a lot better," Shania said. "I feel calmer and stuff and I don't worry as much, (only) about grades a little."

Brigham said her daughter has had fewer nightmares since attending the club and that her vibrant, outgoing personality is resurfacing. She added that Shania's new attitude is one of missing her deceased relatives, but she's also going to go on and not be afraid to enjoy life.

Carol Wadsworth, the hospice's director of counseling services, said it's common for children to react to grief as Shania did. Children generally have a difficult time coping with sadness, because it's such a powerful and huge emotion, she said. And they can move in and out of negative emotions very quickly, going from near hysteria one minute to a rational discussion about homework the next, often confusing parents, Wadsworth said.

Additionally, they may not talk about their anxieties, wishing to spare their parents further upset, she said.

Becky Lowe, the family therapist who leads the club, said children also tend to be selffocused and may be embarrassed by tragic events. They may even believe they caused the death or could have prevented it, despite clear evidence to the contrary, Lowe said.

Talking with peers who are experiencing similar emotions brings them some solace and helps sheds a more realistic light on their feelings, she said.

"If we do nothing else, that would be a huge help right there," Lowe said. "It makes them feel more normal and helps them to relax.

"We just kind of make it safe to have whatever feelings they have and we try to make it fun," Lowe added.

The next Good Grief Club will be for children ages 9 to 11 and is scheduled to run from Oct. 10 through Nov. 28.

For more information, call (805) 389-6870. All Camarillo Hospice services and programs are free of charge.