Connecting
By Deborah Barber Special to the Acorn

The "I" word

I saw an interview with Michael Moore on television recently during which he was asked why American healthcare compares so unfavorably with that of other countries, especially ones with universal coverage. He replied that he thinks it has to do with America's having become a country of "me" versus "we."

Individual benefits have taken precedence over the good of the larger community; we are each fearful of not getting our "share," so we accumulate wealth and hoard it. There just doesn't seem to be enough to go around, even in the richest country on earth.

I think this idea carries over into our intimate relationships. I often see couples who've lost sight of their togetherness in relationship in their desperate search for personal, emotional "gratification." Intimacy (yes, that's the "I" word) is hard to maintain today.

We learn our emotional "alphabet" from early childhood experiences, whether healthy or not, and continue to refine them throughout adulthood. If we learn healthy ways of connecting, we have the tools in place for intimacy in adult relationships. If our understanding of intimacy is somehow compromised early on, it will carry over into difficulty in adulthood. We then may react with "fear of intimacy" and be unable to sustain emotional connections with others.

What exactly is intimacy, and why are people so afraid of it? Daniel Wile, noted couples therapist and author, writes, "People withdraw and are seen as being afraid of intimacy . . . (because) they are unable to stand up for certain important personal needs, wishes, feelings and requirements" and have "an idealized notion of what intimacy requires."

He asserts that intimacy for them translates into being "uninterruptedly loving toward their partners," requiring that they "should spend all their time with them," sacrificing their own needs for those of their partner. The individual has suffered from relationships in which intimacy has been used to engulf or control him, and he withdraws from this "trap."

I believe that intimacy involves an optimal combination of "meness" as well as "we-ness." We are individually obligated to value ourselves, develop our gifts and have separate "philosophies" of life (Wile, 1982).

However, our beliefs and actions should include the other in ways that honor and respect differences, support growth and development of each person within the relationship and strive for continued contact and collaboration with one another.

This is intimacy at its best. This is what fuels relationships over many years and bumps along the road. It requires an ongoing "joint overview" (Wile, 1982) in situations where partners acknowledge but can stand back from individual points of view in order to take in the wider perspective of how things affect them as a couple. In other words, allowing the "weness" to factor in as much as the "me-ness."

According to attachment theory, there is no such thing as complete independence from others or overdependency (Bretherton & Munholland, 1999). Attachment and emotional connection are defining features of intimate bonds, offering an "essential safe haven" and "secure base" for dealing with the insecurities of life and exploring the world (Johnson, 2004).

Adults who are able to be intimate have secure attachments in which they view themselves as worthy of love and care, confident and competent, while others are seen as responsive when needed, generally trustworthy and dependable. However, for the many who suffer from insecure attachment, loved ones are not reliable, there is a perception of not enough love to go around and one must fend for oneself in an unsafe world.

Obviously we cannot change the past, but we can cultivate a greater awareness of how we define intimacy and how emotionally available we are to our loved ones. Can we maintain the connection even in the midst of conflict? Do we feel that our partner is a safe haven, or do we have to emotionally protect ourselves? Can we be ourselves and still be loved and accepted? Are we free to love the other as much as we do ourselves?

John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, believed that intimacy matters throughout life, and adult attachment is merely an extension of parent-child bonding. I guess that means we have a lifetime to get it right.

Deborah Barber, PhD, is a clinical psychologist specializing in individual adult and couples therapy, with a private practice in Oak Park. Contact her at (818) 5127923. Send questions/comments to askDrDB@yahoo.com.