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Dad's Day agenda

This year will be my fourth Father's Day as a father. My wife says it's my day to do whatever I want. And so here's my schedule for my day to do whatever I want:

10 a.m. Wake up

12 p.m. Get out of bed

12:10 p.m. Think about shaving and showering- ah, maybe later

12:15 p.m. Watch a good man's man movie, a Howard Hawks or John Ford western, maybe "El Dorado"

1:45 p.m. Eat breakfast (beef jerky)

2 p.m. Think about shaving and showering- ah, maybe later

2:15 p.m. Play bocce ball with my son in the side yard

3:15 p.m. Eat lunch (beer nuts)

3:30 p.m. Go swimming with my family (yes, right after lunch just to see if I'll really get a stomach cramp)

3:45 p.m. Go to my bedroom and rest until the stomach cramp goes away

4:30 p.m. Watch a good man's man movie, a spaghetti western, maybe "A Fistful of Dollars"

6:30 p.m. Clean up the bocce ball game in the side yard- ah, maybe later

6:45 p.m. Eat dinner (pizza)

7:15 p.m. Go swimming with my family (yes, right after dinner just to see if I'll really get a stomach cramp- again)

7:30 p.m. Go to my bedroom and rest until the stomach cramp goes away

8:00 p.m. Put my son to bed and thank him for a great Father's Day

8:30 p.m. Watch a good man's man movie- hey, it's Father's Day, I'll watch whatever I want, like the classic musical "Singin' in the Rain" (don't tell anyone I love that movie)

10 p.m. Think about shaving and showering- ah, skip it at this hour

10:15 p.m. Feel guilty about not taking a shower all day

10:45 p.m. Justify not taking a shower by saying to myself that I went swimming twice today- chlorine is stronger than soap

11 p.m. Go to bed

11:15 p.m. Feel guilty about not cleaning up the bocce ball game in the side yard

11:45 p.m. Justify not cleaning up the bocce ball game by saying to myself that I had a busy Father's Day

12:30 a.m. Feel guilty about not taking a shower and not cleaning up the bocce ball game in the side yard

12:45 a.m. While I'm feeling guilty, I might as well add to the stack of guilt the fact that I ate bad meals all day

1 a.m. While I'm feeling guilty, I might as well also add to the stack of guilt the fact that I watched way too much TV

1:30 a.m. While I'm feeling guilty, how about the fact that I didn't really give my wife a lot of attention today- wait, today is tomorrow, a new day, according to the clock

1:45 a.m. Go to sleep, wake up and have a better day that makes up for my lazy Father's Day

2:30 a.m. Wake my wife and ask if she thinks I wasted my Father's Day

3:30 a.m. Thank my wife for making me feel better about myself

4 a.m. Go to sleep

4:30 a.m. Wake my wife and apologize for keeping her up in the middle of the night to cheer me up

5:30 a.m. Go to sleep

6:30 a.m. Wake up for work

Boy, I'm tired. I'm glad Father's Day comes only once a year.

E-mail Michael Picarella at pic@nappic.com.