Help!

A while back, I wrote a column about the trials and tribulations of potty training my son. I received some very helpful advice from readers that helped my wife and me educate our son to go potty on his own. For those who sent in their suggestions, thank you.

And now I come to you all again with a new dilemma, and I welcome your wisdom. My 31/2-year-old son might be in the early stages of sleepwalking.

On his second birthday, my son's grandparents thought it would be "a great idea" to get him a bed. And so the crib moved out of the house, the new racecar bed moved in, and my son was free to get in and out of his new bed as he pleased. And believe me, my son freely gets in and out of his bed as he pleases.

Every night when my wife and I put our son to sleep, the little guy puts us to work. Most parents prepare to wind down for the evening when they put their kid to bed. My wife and I must stretch our muscles to prepare for the night ahead.

We plunk our son down to sleep, we head off to the living room in an attempt to rest for the remainder of the evening, and he comes out of his room to join us. We return him to his bed, and once we've left the room, he's out of his bed again and attached to our side. This routine can go on for hours. There are occasions when he'll only get up once, but that's rare.

Lately, my son has put my wife and I through some serious exercise, so much so that I've canceled my gym membership. I'm even thinking of going out for one of those triathlons since I'm in such good shape.

My son doesn't know it, but his constant need to get out of bed is like the reign of that gunnery sergeant from the movie "Full Metal Jacket" over his platoon. Each time my son comes out of his room to find my wife and me, my mind conjures up the voice of that hard-as-nails "Full Metal Jacket" sergeant, yelling at me with angry disapproval.

"You sorry sack of meat? Why are you relaxing? Every time you put me to bed, you sit down and rest. That's unacceptable behavior, Private Dad. Did I wear you out today? Well, that's too bad. I feel sad all over. You're not worthy of being in my family unit! You're a worthless piece of garbage. If I weren't potty trained, I wouldn't even let you change my diaper. Now get up and walk me back to my bed 300 times tonight. Move it, Private Dad, before I really get mad."

My wife and I have tried various techniques to keep our son in bed. We've turned off his night light if he gets up, we've given him timeouts if he gets up, and we've held his teddy bear hostage.

Once, we tried positive reinforcement. We actually thought it would be a good idea for us to go into his room and offer him praise for staying in bed. On that particular occasion, he had been sleeping. We woke him up, and then he kept us up for another hour. I'd like to thank those parenting magazines for that wonderful advice.

My son has had his bed for a year and a half and he constantly gets up after we've tucked him in. What can my wife and I do to get him to stay in bed? Is this our karma for having kept our parents up when we were kids?

Is my son's behavior normal? Will it end?

Even football players have an offseason.

Is this a sign of a sleepwalker in the making? Or is this a sign of some deadly teenage years ahead, with parent-principal conferences and all?

E-mail Michael Picarella at pic@theacorn.com.