Author pens book on anger management
By Michelle Knight knight@theacorn.com

Caroline Neeley

Caroline Neeley was just 19 years old when she moved with her family and her college degree in hand to the U.S.

The native of Scotland planted roots in Camarillo in 1986 and started a family. She worked as a project manager for a telecommunications company for several years but wanted more from a career.

About the same time, Neeley's marriage soured. With the pain of divorce still fresh in mind, the now-single mother of two enrolled in a certificated mediation and conflict management program at the University of California at Santa Barbara. She opened a private practice in 2000.

Her shingle hangs outside an office on Mobil Avenue in Camarillo.

But it's not necessary to step foot in Neeley's office to benefit from her expertise. Starting Sept. 12, Neeley will teach a fourweek phone seminar on ways to alleviate stress and manage emotions.

Neeley has taught such seminars before and said they're popular because people like the anonymity of the telephone and the convenience of learning from home.

Her name may be a familiar one to Ventura County radio listeners. She hosted a 26-week radio talk show on KVTA-AM last year but took a hiatus to write and self-publish her first book, "The Glasgow Kiss: The Wrong and Right Way to Use Your Head." The book was released in March.

"It's a confidence builder," Neeley said of the book. "It's 'take-off-the-rose-coloredglasses and see-it-for-what-it-is.'"

The book is named for a Scottish technique used to resolve heated disputes. During an argument, one person would unexpectedly head-butt the other, then help them to their feet and ask if they're all right. The conflict would then be resolved; the two would shake hands and offer to buy one another a beer.

Neeley delivers her advice in the book as she does in her practice, in a similar straightforward manner, all with the aim of getting at the heart of the issue and determining the best way to resolve it. Tom Spence, program director for KVTA-AM and cohost of the Spence & Bob Allen Morning Show, said Neeley's style differentiated her program from others of a similar nature. "She was very definitely noholds-barred, down-to-the-nittygritty type of person," he said. Spence said someone may have an excellent practice but not the

ability to convey

heir message over

he radio, so having a unique individual style is essential for radio talk show personalities.

"I think Caroline definitely did," he said.

Neeley wrote "Glasgow Kiss" in everyday language. She isn't a fan of m i l l i o n d o l l a r words-what she calls psychobabble-that seem

o confuse people more than enlighten them.

"It's a tool to invoke more thought, deeper thought," Neeley said.

The book won't answer every question, she said, but it will answer some and help clarify if a decision is the right one.

One technique Neeley teaches her clients and advocates for in the book is to know your limitations.

"You only have the power to change the things you have control of," Neeley said. "You cannot change how someone thinks or how somebody else acts. What you do have, you have the power to control how you act; you only have control over yourself."

She said not to waste your energy on things outside of your control. If you're passionate about something, take a collaborative, constructive approach. If you have a problem, offer a solution.

"Pick your battles," Neeley said.

"Glasgow Kiss" reflects the experience Neeley has gained from mediating hundreds of divorces. Unlike an arbitrator, who makes decisions for the parties in a dispute, a mediator points people in the right direction but they make the decisions.

She said the process is less expensive and stressful than severing a marriage through arbitration or hiring an attorney. In addition, through mediation a couple can salvage a relationship that will help them deal with matters concerning their children.

They're no longer husband and wife, but they're still mom and dad, Neeley said.

Book sales are doing well, she said. "Glasgow Kiss" is selling nationally as well as internationally in Spain, the United Kingdom and her native Scotland. Neeley doesn't know the exact number of books sold so far but said it's in the thousands.

"The Glasgow Kiss: The Wrong and Right Way to Use Your Head" can be ordered through Barnes & Noble, Neeley's website at www.neeleymediation.com, Amazon.com and the publisher's website, www.iuniverse.com.

In an effort to reach a larger audience than she could through her local practice, Neeley's goal is to write a book a year. She's scouting for a publisher for her second book, tentatively titled, "What's So Special About You?" This book will focus on people who believe they're better than others.

"I enjoy writing," Neeley said. "I've got a good message to share with people."

To that end, she's also taken to the road as a motivational speaker. She enjoys the atmosphere of willing listeners. Unlike some of her clients who are mandated by the court to seek her counsel, these audiences generally are more open to her advice.

Caroline Neeley has an 18year-old son, Scott, who graduated from Adolfo Camarillo High School in June, and daughter, Sarah, 19, who attends Moorpark College. Hanging on Neeley's office walls are certificates of recognition and appreciation from Camarillo city officials and local legislators. She was chosen entrepreneur of the year in 2004 by the Camarillo Chamber of Commerce.